A Marked Man
Several hours before Rosh Hashanah 2022, I ran into Heinen’s for some pre-holiday shopping. In the produce section I bumped into an acquaintance of mine. He happens to be a surgeon who works in the OR, and several years earlier he gave me a boatload of extra surgical markers from the hospital for me to use in my capacity as a mohel. Hospital policy is to throw away any supplies that they don’t use after their surgical procedures, even if they are in perfectly sterile condition.
I had enjoyed using these markers but my supply had dwindled and I needed more. When I saw him in the supermarket on Erev Rosh Hashanah, I figured that it was a divine encounter and asked him if he might be able to bring home another batch of unused, discarded surgical markers for me at his convenience. He responded, somewhat bluntly, “I'm sorry, but I can’t be bothered with that. Besides, there’s nothing special about the markers from the hospital. Just go to Amazon and order a bunch yourself.” I recall feeling slightly deflated, and judged him negatively for responding to a fellow Jew in this manner at one of the holiest times of the year. But I shrugged it off, moved on and entirely forgot about the entire incident.
Apparently he hadn't forgotten about it. The other day he called me out of the blue to apologize. He reminded me of the encounter and explained that against his better judgement his wife had invited a lot of last-minute company for Rosh Hashanah dinner and then insisted that he run to the store to buy extra food. He was all stressed out by all of that, and that's why he responded in an uncharacteristically rude manner.
He said that it had been weighing negatively on his mind all these months and that he finally had a chance to make the call to ask for forgiveness. Of course, I immediately forgave him, and I still believe that our Heinen's encounter was divinely orchestrated. Just not in the way that I originally thought: when I met him I felt that Hashem had arranged for me to meet him so that he could be my marker supplier.
Now I realize that there was actually a much more important reason for this "random" rendezvous. It was to remind me of the importance of judging people more favorably. Noted Soul Construction author and contemporary Mussar master Ruchi Koval begins her book with the importance of judging others favorably.
She reminds us that before judging others harshly, always ask yourself, "Have I ever done that?" If the answer is yes, then try and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Have I ever been stressed out while doing last minute pre-holiday shopping? ABSOLUTELY! So, I have to remember that the next time I find myself judging someone else negatively in similar circumstances.
A few weeks ago my wife and I had our weekly meeting where we went through and discussed our respective To Do lists. Typically we each bring a pen and paper to take notes and mark off each line item as we speak. At this particular meeting there was only one pen on the table that we were sharing. It was a bit frustrating and the thought did cross my mind that I wish she would have brought her own pen to this meeting, instead of sharing the one that I had responsibly brought. The funny thing is that she ALSO was thinking the same thing, mistakenly thinking it was her pen! We both thought that we were the one who brought the pen and that the other one was the slouch who forgot theirs.
Only at the end of the meeting did we realize what actually happened and we both had a good laugh together.
Another lesson learned about the importance of judging favorably: "Have I ever done something like that?" Like forgetting my pen? Absolutely! So don't judge someone else harshly when they are forgetful. Or when they cancel a meeting last minute, or don't return our phone call, etc. The list goes on. Oh, and I highly recommend that you read and review the first chapter in Soul Construction -- you will learn life-changing perspectives on this all-important topic.
But if you don't, I won't judge you negatively for that!
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Sruly Koval |
